"After everything dies, remember me my love." I whisper the words into the night cloaking me all around. The shelter of our last kiss takes me back to warmer places than this wasteland dusted of white and sparkling in the glitter of late November. It's getting cold here. I'd think about leaving but I can't seem to unroot. Every year I think I'll go somewhere nicer. I never seem to make it past the point of desire that the first snow always brings. It always starts this way. Something about the the chill that makes me pull my coat tighter pulls the thought of you closer as well. Oh you're never far from my thoughts. But something about the death Fall gives way to stirs something deep in me. A well of memory in place of a soul... You were frightened. Of me. Of the possibilities that opened for you that night. I remember the fear, the unspoken things you shared in breathless, wide-eyed appeal. "Make it ok" you said, "take me from here, take me away from all of this." I can still feel your face in my hands, the softness of your skin, the way your mouth trembled. You wanted me so bad. And I, you. You were my first. You knew that and didn't judge me for it. You wanted to give me everything you had. As we lay in the dark the passing cars lit your face like a fallen angel, a mixture of innocence, revulsion, lust, the need to be free. You offered it and I drank deeply to my core. I was too rough, but you relented, submitted to it willingly. I knew nothing but need, the hunger guiding me as an invisible hand. It was over too soon. I had failed. I could see it in your eyes, and the cloudy questioning look on your face. "Please just go." The words assaulted me as you whispered them in my ear. Every sleepless night I hear them. With everyone who takes your place I see that look. Its become an impossible situation. So I keep vigil in this cold, hellish wasteland with nothing but empty, sticky fumblings and voided hours to guide me. I hope in every repetition of dusk that you will find me. I fall away every dawn, exhausted and empty. Its become my pennance. Today I read that you're finally gone, my love. In the fuzzy picture and brief description of all you've left behind, in between the lines of what is not written, I looked for a sign of myself. In your eyes, I looked for something to latch onto. Something to take me back to that night blurred at the edges by time, yet as alive as now to me. I found nothing. I wonder if you carried the scars of me to your grave, or if the mark I left that night healed over. How did you explain them? Did you ever touch them and think of me as I have so often thought of you? I pull my coat tight in the unrelenting cold and push on to find new darkness as the fractured, subtle lightening of the sky breaks achingly toward dawn, and the dreamless black sleep of my kind.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I am a life-long musician, and writer (as you can see here), who has always been drawn philosophically to the darkness of existence. The endless facets of human beings is something I have always studied with interest. The things I've found and collected along the way- a love of all things horror, dark desires, a unique philosophy based on the juxtaposition of the futility and endless possibilities of life, and a an educational path leading me to a career in the field of Psychology, as well as many, many other things- have led me to become the creature that stands here today. Not meant to ever be fully understood, always questioning, a loyal, unwavering friend, a good companion and conversationalist, and a fairly interesting character.
Likes
Chaos. Corruption. Vampires. Blood. (The two tend to go hand in hand though, don't they?) Intelligence. Travelling. Music, playing and listening (I'm a drummer); you can scroll down for a sampling of the things I like. I'm obsessed for sure. Books- mostly literature and horror. Some favorites are Orwell, Vonnegut, and recently I've been reading "The Books of Blood" by Clive Barker, and "Blood Red" by James A. Moore. I am obsessed with film, specifically horror movies. Dario Argento is my favorite director, so anything by him, the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Hellraiser", "Les Yeux sans Visage", the original "Halloween", most Hammer films, and "High Tension" are all favorites. "Dog Soldiers", "Session 9", "Re-Animator", "Braindead", "Black Sunday" and "Black Sabbath", "House of the Devil", "The Descent", and "Lost Boys" are just a small list of other movies I enjoy. Non-horror I like, "The Seventh Seal", "Salo", "Seven Samurai", "Quills", "The Last King of Scotland", "Empire Strikes Back", "City of God", again, among many others.
Dislikes
Reality television. Most modern American horror films. People who think reading is too much "work", and/or can't form semi-intelligent sentences. Isms (racism, homophobia, etc). Closed/static-mindedness. People who watch American Idol.
Favorite Music
Here is a partial selection from the clusterfuck that is my Itunes. Alice Cooper, Billie Holiday, Black Sabbath, Born Against, Cattle Decapitation, Charlemagne with Christopher Lee, Children of Bodom, The Cult, The Cure, Deathspell Omega, DJ Shadow, Elvis Costello, Enni Morricone, ERA NOCTURNA, Eurythmics, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Gojira, Hank Williams III, In Flames, Iron Maiden, Jedi Mind Tricks, Jesu, Jimi Hendrix, John Coltrane, John Zorn, Johnny Cash, KMFDM, Kiss, Lady Gaga, Lamb of God, Led Zeppelin, Madonna, Masada, Mastodon, Megadeth, Michael Jackson, Miles Davis, Mocean Worker, Modest Mouse, Murderdolls, NIN, Oakenfold, Opeth, Our Lady Peace, Ozzy, Pantera, Pat Benatar, Pelican, A Perfect Circle, Pink Floyd, Portishead, Public Enemy, Rob Zombie, Robert Johnson, The Runaways, Shooter Jennings, Sigur Ros, Slayer, Stravinsky, Suffocation, Sunn O))), Sunny Day Real Estate, The Sword, Talking Heads, Testament, Tom Waits, Tool, Type O.
Well hello there Shaun! I thought I'd the first one here to wish you the best on your birthday! Happy Birthday man! My best wishes to you my friend! Hope you have a great time on your day
Take it easy!
~Gabe
The Patron Saint Of Heartache... Can't See My World Is Falling Down...
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