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Sanity_Absent
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Latest Journal Entry: Ruisrock 08 March 27, 2008, 10:22pm
Profile: Hrrmm profiles .. a way to kram everything you are or are pretending to be on one page! Dreaming of a Secret Affair I stare at my reflection in the giant mirror across from me, in my parent’s neat and tidy bathroom, I am wearing the same clothes that I wore last night while out late walking the streets alone. I look close at my reflection and see just a plain face, emotionless and worn away, I see sadness deep inside through my brown eyes, with a little bit of fear of the unknown on the side, I smell like stale beer, no I don’t drink, it was thrown at me last night but a group of upper case wannabe’s, I think I have a cut on my back from where the bottle shattered. I know why I am standing here in this ugly feeless room, I’m standing at the basin really to do what I have recently been planing out, while on my walk home last night. I start to recap on the dreams and the man in them. A soft smile appears on my face, rarely this happens, when I am awake here in the real world that I hate, someone should just take a photo! Recently I’ve been having these dreams, these great dreams, I enjoy them so, a great deal. There’s this man, he is tall, with light eyes and dark hair, and he gives me a tingling sensation just from looking at me, these sensations shift from my head to toe. He is forever watching he, he is forever there, I feel his presence, and I also feel his lust for me and my lust for him burns eagerly inside of me. Everything here seems so exciting and bliss. Nothing from my life feels like this. I can only feel like this, happy, while I am sleeping, it comes in my dreams. I look down at the fresh untainted razor from the side of the marble basin, it is one of my fathers. I pick it up, with my smooth shaking hand. My nerves are hitting the roof, I look at it in a hazy daze, and not really knowing what’s going on, will this work? Not really understanding why I am doing this or if I should, but it is for him, it is for me to be with him forever. This is real life and I don’t want to be here anymore, I want to live in my fake reality, where everything is great and I am happy. I commanded my hand to slice at my wrist, it accepts and does its duty. Quickly and hard the razor moves across my wrist, slicing straight through whatever be in it’s way, the razor demands that my blood will spill and make a bloody mess here in my parents marvellous marble tiled bathroom, which sickens me so, always thought it would of looked better and more interesting red. My eyes glare at the first self inflicted gash. Pain flickers on and off in the area that has been freed, time for the next one. I switch the razor to my other hand, which is slippy, coated in a layer of blood. The razor is once again on its mission to go thought whatever is in its way. It starts its way across my left wrist, half way across my wrist, the razor slips out of my bloody hand and falls straight down, cutting down my leg, then making a clinging noise as it hits the newly coloured floor. “Shit” I say as I look down at the razor. I look at my leg seeing the blood running down in a continuous line, the blood runs between my toes, I now feel the pain in the wounds strongly, I move to pick up the razor from the floor the finish my second wrist, as I step back there is a push at the door, I slip and everything goes blank. I see white then a figure coming into place, it is him the man from all the dreams I have, the reason why I sleep so much. I reach out towards him and he takes my hand and lifts me off the ground, and we dance ever so lovingly on a pillow of white fog, staring into each others eyes, this is so perfect, I feel so happy here with him, my beloved stranger. I’m doing this for him. Suddenly the white pillows of fog start turning a rich red and he fades away. “Dammit” I say as I fall conscious. I wake up unfortunately in what I think was minutes later, from a bucket of cold water thrown over me with the voice of my mother shouting about the mess I had make to her precious bathroom, guess she didn’t like my choice of decoration. I feel light headed and slowly realise I am still gashing blood rapidly out of my wounds. I am too weak to get up, I lay there glancing ever so blankly at my mother yelling at me, as I bleed to almost death. She does not care about me all she cares about is her possessions, I lay here on the floor bleeding to death unable to move she does not ever hesitate to discontinue the bleeding, to speak to me, to ask what is wrong, to even call for help. Maybe she is the motivation why I did this to not be here and to be there with him. I fade in and out of consciousness, I see her mouth moving but I hear nothing. I like this feature of not hearing the yelling of my mother. I can’t feel or move much. At the last second of consciousness I see my father enter the bathroom, then once again everything is blank and I start to dream again hoping that he is still there waiting for me. When I dream of him, I just want to sleep forever. Only when I am slumbering and dreaming, I can secretly be with him. He makes me feel like I am special and that we should be together. When I dream and see him standing there waiting, in our picture perfect made up world, I sense his real soul lying close to mine, is he really here with me? We have been meeting again and again, he has now become the centre and joy of my life. A made up man in my dreams, If only you were real. Is he real? Oh I hate waking up to the life I live, with the people I know, I open my eyes and just want to close them, and fade into my made up world, I want to be with him forever, I don’t feel pain here, scars from the real world don’t affect me here, in my dreams. I keep on dreaming of a secret affair. Bursting with lust and intimate touch, just want to sleep forever and dream of my perfect stranger. I will kill my self, slit both my wrist and I will be able to dream forever, no one well be able to separate us, I have tried to cut myself away from the real world, my life, for good. I will be able to dream of our secret affair forever. By the way I wrote that!! Der Likes: I enjoy being in small groups, looking out for friends and family, putting others first, Favourite animals: frogs, cats and monkeys Favourite drinks: coke, Smirnoff ice, tequila, milk, orange juice, apple juice, most soft drinks (not ginger ale or beer), Favourite foods: tomato's, salt, stock, chicken and pea and ham soup, cream corn, corn, most vegies, salads, some fruits, no many deserts, tho my favourite ones are pavlova and sticky date pudding, chicken, original or salt and vinegar chips. Favourite people: Everyone in my family, best friends Heather and Kristy, Boy friend Matt, and close friends. I like to go to pubs, clubs, and liquor stores and friends homes to drink Favourite thing ever.. my pride and joy MYSTY my kitty, she is 2 years old, with a big personality, cute but not so cuddly to others, but i love her..  |
Dislikes:
I don't like smoking, hard ass drugs, fat people in little clothing with no self esteem that turn into bitchy sluts... Junkies, I personally am hoping that they are the ones that get bird flu and all die, coz I aren't giving them a damn penny!! QUIT ASKING ME!
I dislike PUNK POP, whatever the fuck it is... Wow they can play the same chords over and over again *bangs head* and they all look the same... Can't stand people stereotyping others and even their selves... "I wear this so I must be that". "You can't wear that coz you're not that,"
Hate people telling me that I'm negative, telling me to smile... just pisses me off, If your joke is funny I shall laugh, smile. I'm not going to smile just to make you feel better!
.. I'm not very talkative, loud, or open, what's my business is MY business... I prefer to not trouble people with my shit, there is to much… Don't go here there...
Favorite Music:
To many to think of and type in right now!! Fuck it just screen print my music.. so yeh here is current music on my laptop!
http://www.royalartistclub.com/nightwish
Homepage: http://www.ifuckendeleteditcozitsucked.bugger
Link 1: http://www.rotten.com
Link 2: http://kittenwar.com/kittens/20001/
Link 3: http://www.i-am-bored.com
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