poisonwavehana at Vampirefreaks.com

★☆ P O I S O N W A V E H A N A @ V F . C O M ★☆
So I've finally decided to re-edit this...
A lot has changed since the last time I really updated my profile. I've changed a lot, too.

I'm... hmm.. not a person who gets easily attached, to start. People, places, situations.. I prefer being by myself than anything. Some people actually fear being 'alone,' but that's my comfort-zone. I don't easily put faith or trust into anything. Life is less stressful on me when I'm just worrying about simplistic things - and myself.

I'm not selfish, no, not by any means - I'm very loyal and devoted to those I love, though there are very few - I'm just severely anti-social. I hid behind my mom when I was little, I never spoke to many people throughout my school years, and I often look down when I walk. I'm not sure if I'm perceived as 'conceited' or whatever, but that's not it. I'm just.. used to being by myself. So if I don't seem interested or suspicious, it's nothing personal. "Old habits die hard," I guess? I don't blame people, though. I wouldn't have the patience for someone like me, either.

These days, college days, I'm finding myself down the 'independent' path more than ever. I don't consider myself to have many 'friends' per se anymore. I could probably name everyone I consider my 'friend' on one hand with room to spare. And I hardly talk to them nowadays as it is.

I'm writing this while listening to my favorite song on repeat. That's another thing with me. I love repetition in every way shape or form in my life. Change or new experiences scare the heck out of me. That doesn't mean I want to do the same thing and stay in the same place for the rest of my life, however. Quite the opposite → I want to travel anywhere and everywhere. I want to observe other ways of living, learn from that, take it with me. I even have admiration for the word. "Diversity."

I'm very aware of the fact that I'm skipping around and writing random sentences right now; and I guess I don't really have a 'direction' or a 'point.' It's almost 1AM and it's the end of the week. Kind of out of it.

There are few constant reminders which I make myself remember. 01; The only person who's going to take care of you is you. Grow up and be independent. 02; There's someone out there who has it worse than you. Stop whining. 03; Use logic over emotion and//or instinct.
This is so random, yeah.. sorry to whoever's reading. I'm just kind of writing whatever comes to mind.

Anyway. The first reminder. It's all independence. It's what I strive for, it's what I'm trying to be, what I'm trying to obtain. I want to take care of myself. I don't want someone else to do it for me. I'm not a baby, and anyone who's immature enough to depend on someone else for 'easy ways out' in life is pathetic. Sorry, that's just how I think. Go to school, work, sleep. Do it over and over again until you can sustain life by yourself. I actually just moved into my own place about a week ago, and I was still 18 when I did this. I guess... I'm proud? Not many kids my age can say the same, and I think I'm doing a good job so far.. or at least trying my best. And I have an awesome roommate to help me ^_^

*shrug* I'm the type of person to look down on you, rather than feel sorry for you. I give out pity as much as I give out trust. Unless your situation is absolutely terrible and irreversable, you can fix it. Others have been in worse situations than you and have done the same. Is this how you want to live, people? :|

I've briefly started talking about my second 'reminder.' I'm also a person who isn't easily upset by stupid situations, and if I am, I consider myself ungrateful and weak. I have food in my stomach, a roof over my head, air in my lungs. I have a great mother, and a grandfather that's more like a father. I have my family. I have a really... amazing boyfriend. [Honestly, I didn't think guys like him even existed. <3] I have a few friends. A job. I live in a country where I might actually have some chance. [Even though I've toyed with the idea of deserting this place completely on occasions.] A future. Not to say that I don't complain, because I do. A lot. Everyone does. ¬_¬

I hardly ever cry, and when I do, it's because the emotion has built up inside me for an extended period of time. Really extended. Or if the situation is of great importance to me. Like a broken heart, for example. Nothing gets me crying like that. *eye roll* But it's true, unfortunately.

But I consider crying to be weakness, even if I am a girl and that's what I'm 'supposed' or 'expected' to do. No matter the situation, or how badly I'm hurting inside, if I shed any tears, I'm ashamed. Deeply ashamed. I don't really know why. I think I've always been like this. It also occurred to me recently that it's quite possible that I was a guy in my former life xD'''' Not to say I'm not feminine, because I am. I'm hooked on makeup, hooked on hygiene, hooked on pretty dresses with lace and ribbons. I think my appearence is rather on the femmy side as well, wouldn't you agree..? Hopefully...? @_@'' [The VF gallery!] Deep eyes, a big mouth, wide hips, short in height, small feet, rather... well-endowed upper part.. xD'' More femmy in appearence. Which is good. Because I don't want to be a guy, no offense xD'''

But my personality can be rather... masculine. My outside doesn't seem to match my inside sometimes. Inside, I want to be the prince. Not the princess. What fun do princesses have? People wait on their every move, they don't work for anything, they can't even escape from dragons or evil step-mothers. XD Princes get to ride horses, have a shield, carry a sword, and save their true loves and bring them to utopia. Sounds more like me, I think =P

My third reminder... hmm. Well, I think lots of times - your heart will lie to you, but your eyes won't. Your mind won't. I'm for logic over emotions, because emotions cloud the actual truth of situations. Though sometimes everything isn't so black and white, but shades of grey, too... I'm willing to say that I'm more open about this concept. Someone very kind has made me see it in another light. :]

I think that's all I have to say right now. Kudos if you've read this much. And hey, it seems you know me a little now. [Whoo? >_>]