so I just found out I suffer from panic attacks Never really considered them panic attacks because I was all "They're no big deal it's nothing it's just me being stupid and emo"
but the symptoms fit pretty damn well.
why Mood: blah Music: Futret - DAINBOW RASH IS 20% THE GOOD!!
Maybe I'll stop being such a whiny little depressive emo bitch in the coming year? Mood: Melancholic Music: Sonic Adventure 2 - Rhythm and Balance (White Jungle)
Typed this up in response to a dA journal, and, well, figured I may as well post it here.
I had this crush on this guy when I met him in my last year of high school, never really got around to telling him. At first it was because I was worried he'd think I was weird if he knew I was gay (just transferred and he was the ONLY person who talked to me, so... yeah) and after we got to know each other and I came out as gay to him, I still didn't tell him because he believed himself to be asexual, and I figured if anything he did have a sexuality he'd probably be straight.
After the year ended we didn't really see each other, until a chance meeting at Walmart where he worked at the time not only re-introduced us, but taught us that he and my bestie were co-workers. That day he told me he was gay... and had a boyfriend. I felt like I'd missed my chance, but looking back on it, confessing my love in the Walmart parking lot would be kinda drashy : P
Anyway, we start catching up, and after a mistake with me dumping some files from my flash drive onto his computer, he finds out I cross-dress. He approaches me about it, and tells me he's the same. We start talking about it, and I find out that he's not a cross-dresser; he's a woman.
I'd dealt with transexuals before, so, while it was kind of a shock to me, I just kinda shrugged it off. She wasn't completely out at the time though, which meant she spent much of her life as male, and, while looking back I know I shouldn't have, I took it as, "This may be the last chance I get to see Daniel as Daniel," and I relished every moment with him.
It was actually, to me anyway, a gradual process to him being her all the time. It was probably when she quit her job that she started living life as a girl full-time, but even before then she'd gotten to the point where she only hid who she was at work. I'm kind of surprised, looking back on it, how easy it was for me to accept her.
And then I had to express to Tanya my feelings for Daniel. Oh boy.
We started being lovers, of sorts. We're cuddly, and she's said she'd be okay with being intimate until the surgery, but it just feels awkward a lot of the times. I don't know what it's like to be trans. I do know what it's like to want to look girly, and I try to think of it like a more extreme version of that, but it just doesn't feel the same. I won't lie, I do love her, and I know she loves me. But, it's the little things. She's so self-conscious about her body, and every time she complains about guy problems, I have to withhold a "You look fine as a guy" because I know she wouldn't take it as I meant.
That said, I do want her to be happy, and I do want her to be herself, and I am going to help her every step of the way. It just sucks, for both of us, that I can't make her happy in the most important ways. Mood: Contemplative; Tired Music: Korn - Chaos Lives in Everything (feat. Skrillex)
