Due to censorship rules at my place of buisness, most of my posts will now be friends only, just so that i don't get into trouble if someone reads something they don't like. This is MY Journal, where i write about ME Don't like it, don't try to get to know me... simplez
jag alskar dig, however i'm worried that there is a huge part of who i am that ... isn't really surprised, but you haven't met yet, then this new slag i've got is everything that i fear you aren't and i feel bad because of how much i like you when i've already committed my heart to you.
I know how much i mean to you, and you mean the same to me, but the little time we've spent together is nothing compared to what i can spend with someone in this country and i'm so scared of falling for her more then you because you've been there for me for so long that... i don't know it just scares me
then there's ellie, the new bitch at work... damn why does she have to be so smiley and happy, she just lightens my soul like you do... but i know she'll never be happy with a fucked up fool like me, i'm just so fed up of promising my self to someone who i can't be with only to get my heart broken when they find someone who can give them hugs every night.
I wish i was special, but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo, what the hell am i doing with you. i don't belong with you, you're better then me... but at the same time you can't find anyone who's so busy trying to be them selves that the can accept you for every little fault and perfection.
i suppose i just hate my self ten times more then all the love i recieve. I know dag alskar jag, jelly bean you accept me for all my craziness and dave our bond is indescribable but i'm such a dirty little wana be slut that i doubt i'll ever truly be happy with out going out with out you on the off chance that i'll get paranoid over someone i don't care about.... it's just life... and tonight i've wished i wasn't alive too much to ask for it now Mood: messed up as ever Music: mash ups cause they rock my socks
me-"I don't have friends" people around me-"I'm your friend/yea me too. Zee you've got loads of friends" ----- me-"I wish I was dead" people around me-"
People tell me that I shouldn't be dating the 50odd people I'm dating, let alone be going to look for more... and those people should SHUT THE MOTHER FUCK UP like the rest of the people who I tell and don't know how to process the concept.
You see on days like this. Days where you wake up sad. Days when you feel sick for no good reason. Days where you just want to bury your head in the pillow. Well days like this are hard, and I almost always want to phone up every single person who tell me they love me, and say, "Sorry I can't do this any more. I love you and good bye"
luckily because I've got the 50odd partners I know that some won't let me go, no matter how much I try to run away from them, they will drag my ass back to them, give me a slap and tell me to stop being stupid... if I had a one girlfriend... well... she'd be gone, and probably getting her brains fucked up before I gain the courage to kill my self.
This isn't another death threat... just days like this... you don't want to live... and no-one can make them better Mood: depressed
with everyday i miss you, i wonder if i love you. i wonder if you love me, then i think about who i am and realise it doesn't matter if i love you, or if you love me. One day i will hurt you and it won't matter if you forgive me or not, because i will never forgive my self for shattering that perfect image you have me Mood: crabby Music: guess who's back, again, part III, the revenge
