Heart of stone enslaved by my imaginings, walls of chains my mind is an invalid trapped in a cage my souls is stripped from me.
Enslaved by chains the shackles bind me, caught by pain my blood surrounds me and I live through my name, my name.
Warriors soul has been ripped away from within me, pride and shame I feel abandoned staring down the darkness that en-binds me.
Trapped on a leash I fear theirs noo escape for me, reality calls it's harshness blows through me like a cold wind the winter slows me, catching my breath my heart pounds ever so loudly stand up tall stand up proudly shake off the shame and shimmy off the fear.
Well I could say psshhh where to beguine but let's start to make a start at least and just write as I go, errm well my shopping list I've got a flat finally just need a carpet or eliminate flooring, things didn't go as planned with Shadowess I cant say I blame her for hating me or not forgiving me despite the fact that she left me and blames me for more than im due but let's not dwell in the past, just to say except ok if you want me to leave you alone truly then ok I will despite the fact that we were engaged once I guess the engagement meant more to me then it did you.
I'm not one to beg for forgiveness and besides ive said im sorry have any of the family members or friends responsible or partly to blame, so your closing me out your life now Amy well I wish you good look for what little it means I guess you will never know how hard Ive had it or will have it and im considering getting our engagement ring evaluated although it hurts me to part with it if that's what you want I suppose it'l do for food to survive.
My shopping list got the flat getting carpet and paint soon got most of the furniture except cooking furniture like gas hob microwave I've got a date well a old new girlfriend an ex who knows what its like to pick her friends before me years ago and has dated guys in the past after me and has either dumped em or them her one turned out to be gay none where proper men like me, so it bares considering it'd keep me sane for valentines day at least and yay it snowed a bit late but better late then never.
I'm gonna pester my charity work about sitting my nvq2 because it'd be a boost to my confidence if I pass but cmon if the heroic justified side of me said I know I will I just need that clear run and to be on my game.
What to do when I get my flat well once its all sorted look for work I was thinking retail warehouse factory work or packing.
Who knows what the future will bring but I doubt it can get any worse then some of my past I'm just the some of my parts and then some and yea for all you wondering am I ok im not 100percent but im getting their nothing time brews alcahole and women cant cure im sure.
but first two things are first finishing the flat and focusing on a career, after all that's accomplished find someone anyone half descent and disappear to america because united kingdom is dismal for me brought nothing but pain and misery to myself and those around me not all my life but like hey I don't know who my birth farther is being adopted and him not being on the birth certificate so yea im going to be semi health conscious I hope he's not a diabetic has heart disease or any awkward health surprises, then theirs my childhud being bullied most of my life but in primary school I gave as good as I got in secondary my bleeps and blops of black markers that effected my grades speak for them selves but yes I am prepared for anything as such as burglars even though I cant afford security systems I call it a knife and cb radios.
I think now well after my flat as started and I properly look for work even though I volunteer for a charity at weekends and I might be sitting an apprentaship during the week soon just to sit 2nvq level 2s at the same time roughly if possible and make up for lost time who knows maybe get work through one of them options then go drinking at a place goths are said to go to in blackburn see what turns my eye woman wise but we cant win em all lol.
My manipulative status I feel like ive been stung cut or left short but I feel a mixture of thoughts relief that I don't have to put up with some of the shit I use to scared at not knowing what the future brings and just adement and determined to chase the career road, keeping my eye on america where a man can walk freely around with a gun to defend his right to freedom and independence a land of promises and the ability to protect ones self ones land and ones friends and family on the size of your gun. so yea im looking forward to the metal-wear if I ever make it that far in my life but, I've got no responsibility's holding me back now so that's a good thing, im just hungry and restless hungry for work good solid work to lose my self berry my head and knuckle down.
If only I could say I'm going to write how I use to, lol I call that the price of love, forever changing us.
United we stand in flames, the fires of reality binding us.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust with these fiery chains I unbind us, from the ground we remain, from creatures to man and woman we became liquid fire caught in the entanglement of evolution as the clock ticks we are
forever changing, forever evolving and forever being.
In this eternal bliss of fire and flame I hawk back and fly again.
To regrow my wings a new the ashes of the past that remains will re give birth to the creature that is to re give birth to the forever on fire and forever of flames phoenix.
I guess the new year will be a lonely one for me, as predicted I've never been so gutted and in pain at being right.
I cried christmass eve knowing that it's truly over between me and my ex and I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing if anything this has probably been the most emotional I've been in a long time maybe it's irony or just gods way of teaching me a lesson whether it'd be my mistakes and sins that caused this downward spiral of what appears to be my own demise as I fall from grace or just put simply his way of telling me to move on despite how hard it is.
I don't believe my path my path is to be cold hearted and filled with hate but it's hard for me to see light at the end of the tunnel, I don't enjoy being evil but I guess it's all I know it's what I'm best at due to my life being built on and around the balance of love and hate like a double edged sword.
But I find it hard to believe my life can ever turn out good after-all my light in the darkness is gone as it slowly extinguishes the more me and amy are apart the further we push each other away from our selves out of some misplaced stubbornness I guess where both just to stubborn to truly see and appreciate what was right in front of us now we are both suffering, only difference is I'm the one that's alone now even after trying and failing to fix this, I guess that's the price we both pay for daring to dream only to fall, I know some of it is my fault and my anger probably drove her into the arms of another man and I'd say she doesn't love him she's just angry with me but however as them two grow closer together us two grow further apart.
I lied about wanting to be friends because I knew how hard it'd hit me if we ever broke up but I guess it's best we not be friends I cant get to emotionally attached to something that'd never work out and I've been to emotionally evolved to write how I use to, I've changed or rather I'm changing and I don't know what to think for one of the first times in my life I can honestly say I am truly afraid.
I've slept in coldness because it's the only thing that feels real to me now and yes on the odd occasion even had the teddy she got me by my side, despite me cherishing what good times we had together it's not enough to keep me going, soon my ex will be going back south without seeing me before new year, see amy I was right wasn't I about you would get someone else down south, I'm rarely wrong and its not that I didn't trust you ok, it's I knew how hard it'd be to keep or try to keep a long term relationship and you could have tried harder but you have your own life to live and im afraid I wasn't apart of it since you was down south and I was up north.
It's like I said you should have come up north and stayed up north but is their any reason to now if not I wont stop you I'll just say good luck and farewell.
As I fall asleep soon eventually who knows what my hellish nightmares will bring up to now, it's brought reflections in mirrors, blood, coldness, loneliness, glass, fire, ice, my demonic face, my evil laughter, shadows, bars, chains, cages, restraints, mental asylum and jacket, death, pestilence, fear, taunting and maiming, rain, snow, darkness, my alter ego and failure.
But, c'mon hell I'm getting bored of the same old shitty fears *yawn* is their nothing new, is that all you can scare me with pathetic because it wont last forever besides subconsciousness I might find it hard sleeping but I'm not the child I was when I properly last visited the place I call hell and quite frankly it's getting a bit over played so surprise me or is it hell has lost it's appeal when I'm faced with loneliness starvation and cold in real life on a semi regular basis I learn to survive by scrimping and saving, I might not like hell but im to resourceful and energy efficient to ever truly be afraid, besides I've lost the one thing I use to truly care about my ex fionca now that's over and done with hell you have no power over me I've come to terms with practically all my fears and faced them as you slowly ate away at my mind and for what to prove something as pure as love can be destroyed to prove someone as noble as me can be brought down to your level well, bravo hell you win again you want a medal it's not the first time I've had to rebuild my life and because of this and every single bad deed in my life I will probably never see heaven if it exists not that I'd want to sure I didn't want hell, more along the lines of reincarnation but meh each to his own I relish going to hell no doubt I'll have a few enemy's of mine from here in their when I do go down for good so even just for revenge I look forward to it, kicking and screaming all the way.
So hit me with your best shot, throw your worst at me im still standing ready to rebuild my life and my life rebuilding starts properly the moment I move into my bedsit so mid to late january, I guess until then I can live off bitterness and hate, it's all what seems to be around these days, government ripping everyone off, general people being obnoxiousness rude or just stuck up their own ass, employers not giving people the time of day or a second look.
To me earth is slowly becoming hell but it will all change for me when I live my own world, have more freedom to do things my way and play catch up on the odd bits I've missed.
To me hell is a mental prison in ones mind, the projection of life freedom and love when really up to present their is none but like I use to I will explore and open my mind to newer possibility, change a different course of life and what hell you think you can catch me again perhaps but it'l be a never ending cycle to think with practically some of my ex's that I saved who's lives I en-richened and enlightened, who's shyness and loneliness I helped them overcome was really for nothing, what use is the gift curse of manipulating and bending ones mind to cheat fate a little and speed things up if I cant save my self, I feel as if my talent was wasted on them and it makes me wonder where they would be without me perhaps in a worsen state.
But I guess I have to help the odd few to help my self to get the odd date and at least move in life to some form of progression even if it destroys my mind and makes me truly corrupt.
I know im only human but since when do humans care about each other, I've been shown very little caring in my life, so excuse me if I turn my back when most needed because it's take take take with you hell isn't it until theirs nothing left to give and that's why I couldn't give two shits about most people at this moment in time theirs not really a single person in my life worth living for sure I have friends that go's without saying but being companion-less makes life meaningless but in saying that im not suicidal I use to be years ago so it does feel like memory lane seeing the same old dribble same old routeen and what if I find someone new then what four years will go by or ten it makes no odd's because I'll come back to square one to relive all this again at some point and again and again each time becoming better at manipulating once I recover and rebuild my life, I guess that's why I tried so hard to fix allot of things in my life but what's the point knowing that I'd be coming back here to square one a mental hell.
I dared to dream and believe and look where it got me so what's the lesson be more cold hearted focus on my career and bedsit focus on money rather than love well up to present I guess that's what I've got to focus on and not bother with the past at all call it dying memories, im use to burring my memories also.
Let this be a reminder for when I'm back to this place and let it be a lesson to my readers you might think your in love with someone but if beauty is in the eye of the beholder which is in the mind then it isn't real.
Since your mind can play tricks on you lul you in to believing for false hopes and dreams, like I dreamt of truly living and one day marrying my ex fionca look where it got me, but its reet I'll find some woman amusement I'm sure after that see how relationships go but remain cautious unmarried unengaged, a free spirit for now.
New year grows closer as my heart gets colder and colder and women wonder why men don't love them, I guess it can work both ways but I find it hard trusting the opposite sex or tolerating their commitment issues which at the moment make me sick.
At the end of the day I'm the one that needs saving but no one cares about me so why should I care about anyone.
Anyway Night all or should I say 6:05am morning all.
