Welcome to the first and only
Asexual cult here on the VampireFreaks website!
Here you'll be able to
learn about asexuality,
recieve advice,
give advice,
participate in games,
contests
and much more.

Our cult is currently under construction
so please, be patient.

About

Asexuality

Overview:
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community, each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently.

Relationships:
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction:
Many asexual people experience attraction, but they feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead they feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don't care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

Identity:
Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality.

There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it's just a word that people use to help figure themselves out.

Rules

• All VF Rules Apply.

• Do NOT rant. This is NOT a rant forum.

• Treat all posters with respect. There will be NO flaming, NO insulting, NO making fun of anyone.

• When asking for advice or information, make sure to be as clear as possible as to what you're looking for.

• When giving advice, provide ARGUMENTS or EVIDENCE to explain your reasoning.

• Questions about your profile, icons, cult or other site-related technical issues will be locked.

• We are NOT medical doctors. If you or a friend are suffering from some ailment, or you think you might be pregnant, don't bother posting. We cannot and will not help you. GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR.

• Use coherent English!

• Do NOT hijack threads. In real life, if someone was talking about their mom beating them, and you interjected about how you can't get laid, you'd likely get slapped. If you do that here, I'll just delete your posts, and have you banned for repeat offences.

• Use line breaks while typing, it's easier to read.

(Some Rules Taken From VF Advice Forum Rules)

FAQ's

Frequently Asked Questions

General Questions

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with each other?

Yes! Most of the time for many asexuals who wish to have a partner, it's easiest to be in a relationship with someone who is also asexual. Just like any relationship it could end up badly, friendly or in marriage.

Can asexuals have successful romantic relationships with sexuals?

Yes. It is possible for an asexual and a sexual to have a sucessful and romantic relationships together. In the beginning, it is very hard for the sexual person (most of the time) to come to terms with the fact that there will either be a "lack" of sex or it's extinction.

Many asexuals do not want the frustration of that and do not want to "hurt" their possible partner's sex-drive, feelings or self-esteem so they will not date them.

When the two sexualities come together, however, and attempt a relationship, most if it is trial and error. On occasions, for some, "compromises" will be made and intercourse will be had or sexual interaction that does not involve penitration.

In the end, it takes a little extra love, trust and respect but many say it's worth it because it can and will work.

I just don't see how asexuals can be close to anyone. How can you have a relationship without sex?

"There are myriad ways for asexuals to form close bonds and relationships with others. Some asexuals keep close friendships, some enjoy 'traditional' (but not sexual) romantic couplings. Others form completely different, perhaps unique, relationships.

Asexuals can be 'more than friends' or even consider their relationships 'closer than lovers'. Asexuals can be part of traditional couplings, be a non-sexual loving partner of a polyamorous (loving many) person or perhaps part of a group marriage or some other non-conventional relationship.

Asexual relationships are a 'blank slate'. There are no rules dictating how non-sexual love is expressed. Many asexuals consider their relationships to be outside the experience of our culture. It’s up to us to make up words to describe our bonds with other people.

The possibilities for non-sexual intimacy are vast. Some asexuals enjoy physical closeness, perhaps cuddling or stroking, with their partner. Some asexuals express intimacy through talking, maybe sharing their innermost fears and secrets or by making each other laugh. Some asexuals feel intimacy with their partners by sharing common interests and activities or by working together toward common goals. Others experience intimacy in other deeply personal ways or by a combination of some, all or none of the above.

Some asexuals, instead of establishing one-on-one romantic relationships, prefer to connect with the people around them in a community-based intimacy framework, establishing emotional intimacy with other people (including sexuals) without forming expectations of sexual or emotional exclusivity. For asexuals who are comfortable with this setup, it can alleviate the biggest source of tension in a standard mixed relationship (because the sexual person can have their sexual needs met elsewhere)."

-AVEN

Is it possible to be asexual as well as lesbian, gay, or bi?

Yes, it is indeed possible to have a "second" orientation along with being asexual. Just because someone has no sexual attraction, it doesn't mean that there cannot be a physical, emotional or mental attractions in a romantic way to people of the same or different gender.

Why do asexuals want romantic relationships, anyway?

Not all asexuals actually want to have romantic relationships because along with no sexual attraction, there is no romantic attraction. Others, however, will fall in love or get crushes just like anyone else because they would like a romatic element in their lives, except without any desire for sex.

For Asexuals

I would like to date a certain person, but I'm fairly sure that they're sexual. How can I approach them without giving them the wrong impression?

The most important thing to do when possible, is to let them know about your "situation." That would get rid of any wrong impressions that they might have about your intentions. Relationships are based on honesty.

Later on in the relationship, if sex does come up, talk to them and let them know you're willing to try to make things work. Sometimes, even for sexual people, sex isn't really that important and it takes a back seat to the person they care about.

If you feel strongly about it, just like anyone else, go for it. But be honest.

If my partner is sexually attracted to me, does this mean that their feelings are shallow and physical and they don't really love me?

To be honest, there are some people that just have a relationship in order to have sex with people. Many people know that from watching movies or television shows and it may not be right but it happens. Those people shouldn't be in any relationship with an asexual person.

On the other hand, there could be sexual people who love you very much but mix those feelings along with a sexual attraction that may seem "shallow" to you but they aren't. Just as you cannot control your "disinterest" in sex and "lack of a sex-drive," they cannot control the feelings inside of them that stirr their sexual emotions.

Do I owe my partner sex because of things I've been doing with them, like flirting or kissing or letting them take me to fancy restaurants?

Absolutely not! No one ever "owes" anyone else sex. Obviously, it is entirely inappropriate to lead your partner on and frustrate them but it's also not against any "moral rules" that you cannot do what normal couples do and flirt or kiss.

My partner is pressuring me to do sexual things that I don't want to do. How do I resolve this tension?

"Pressure of this sort is often a bad sign in a relationship and can be a problem for sexuals as well. However, different people have different comfort zones and your partner may not be aware that their comments or actions are being interpreted as unwelcome pressure. Make sure that you and your partner have both communicated clearly about your expectations and boundaries within your relationship. With good enough communication, you and your partner may find ways for your partner's sexual needs to be met without making you uncomfortable.

If your partner does not attempt to listen to you reasonably or take "no" for an answer, but continues pressuring you, this is a very bad sign indeed. It may be best to find a better partner who can respect your choices regarding your body."
-AVEN

For Sexuals

I think my partner might be asexual. What should I do?

"Introduce the topic to them gently. Some closeted asexuals may be afraid to discuss asexuality because they don't know what it means. They may think you are accusing them of being broken or sick. Some people prefer to bring up the fact that asexuality exists without necessarially making any implications regarding their partner, and see where the conversation goes from there. AVEN or a similar resource can be very helpful in such discussions.

In the meantime, whether your partner is really asexual or not, there are some general guidelines that you may find helpful. The importance of communication cannot be overstressed. Take nothing for granted about your partner's sexuality. Do not assume that they necessarially want to participate in any particular act with you. Respect their body and choices, even if you have trouble understanding them. Avoid creating an atmosphere where sexual acts seem like a duty or an obligation."
-AVEN

If my partner isn't sexually attracted to me, does this mean that they don't really love me?

No! Asexuals feel love as strongly as anyone else does; it simply isn't connected to sex for them. However, your partner may feel confused and alienated from you because they do not understand how important sex is for you and why you desire it. Good communication can help bridge this gap.

I'm sure my partner is asexual but they won't talk about it with me. What can I do?

"It is hard to know what to do in these situations. It is possible that your partner is asexual but is afraid to admit it, because they think it will make them broken or sick, invalidate their masculinity, cause you to reject them, or otherwise have negative consequences. It is also possible that something completely different is going on that they refuse to talk about for some other reason. Make sure that your partner feels they can talk to you without being judged. (The assignment of the "asexual" label may in itself feel like a judgement - in such cases, it may be better simply to bring up the fact of asexuality's existence and introduce your partner to AVEN or a similar resource.)

If you have a really unsolveable communication problem with your partner and are suffering as a result, it may be time to seek other avenues such as couples therapy. You may need to take stock of all aspects of your relationship and see if it is worth continuing."
-AVEN

We had great sex at first but now it is totally gone. I don't understand. Is it possible that my partner has suddenly turned asexual?

"There are many reasons why sex may die off in a relationship. Asexuality is one possible reason. Sometimes an asexual person will allow themselves to have sex for a while, but bad feelings about sex will build up in their minds and they will find themselves unable to do it anymore. Or they may at first have sex because they see no other options, but then cease to do it as they learn more about themselves.

There are a lot of other reasons why a person could at first have sex with their partner but then stop. To some extent, a reduction in sexual behavior is normal once the novelty of a sexual relationship wears off. Further reductions can happen because of anything from stress to illness to a problem in the relationship. All of these things (including asexuality) should be worked through together."
-AVEN

My partner masturbates and/or watches pornography, but doesn't want to have sex with me. How is this possible?

"Some asexuals (though not all) have sex drives, but see them as a private thing that should be taken care of alone, like going to the bathroom. Some of these asexuals find it helpful to use pornography to speed the process along. While not sexually attracted to the people in their erotic materials, asexuals with sex drives can sometimes pick up a general feeling of sexuality from such materials. Some asexuals even have sexual fantasies, although they do not wish to carry out these fantasies with real people in real life. However, it is also possible that your partner is sexual, but wants to avoid having sex with you for some other reason. The best way to know is to talk to them openly."
-AVEN

What exactly is it that asexuals will and won't do? Do they enjoy kissing and cuddling? How about second base, or (fill in the name of a pseudosexual act here)?

Just like any person, it all depends on the asexual in question. Some do enjoy kissing, cuddling and other physical signs of affection while others don't wish to be apart in that. The best way is to talk it over with the particular person you wish to have a physical relationship with.

I want to stay with my partner and support them but the lack of mutual sexual feelings is killing me. What can I do?

Communication is everything in a relationship with an asexual if you are a sexual person. Sometimes, through some time and effort and long conversations, a compromised can be reached that will make both parties happy while others, the relationship just becomes too tense and has to end.

Try google searching what you can about it and talk to your partner about what they are willing to do to help you. While you are giving up a lot for them, sometimes asexuals, just like anyone else can get selfish about things and not want to give in.

All questions taken from the AVEN site and re-answered by the owner of Asexuals@VF unless otherwise stated.

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