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JudaeusApella
"For he today that sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother" - William Shakespeare
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Latest Journal Entry: Today really fucking sucked. July 04, 2011, 01:42am
Profile:   Electrocrete: "You're just like you always were, stands up for what's right and stubborn till the end." Hello, my name is David. :D The best way to describe my self right now is that I'm going through transitions. You know, wandering around scoping out the different paths but so far not seeing a path that's right for me. A task made more difficult by ADD and very bad social anxiety as a result of past experiences. It's greatly hindered my education, but I plan on getting back on the horse as soon as I find a horse that won't throw me off. (Most US colleges aren't equipped to help students with learning disabilities, and most of the campuses who say they are, are lying.). I'm always looking to make a new friend and yes I am looking for that special someone. Every day I hope I find my other half, but I've given up actively looking. Most women today in America... are just so messed up. I'm so tired of it I kind of just gave up. Being very reclusive doesn't help me in that department, so I really like girls who make their intentions clear instead of waiting for the man to make the first move. (without hitting me over the head with it so to speak) So yeah, aggressive women scare me off. I've had my social anxiety problems for a long time, I guess you can blame it on my many past experiences with some pretty shitty people. Anyway, its hard for me to meet people, cause they rarely give me a chance, blow me off, act like a total fucking dick, or just instantly judge me. "Man has poor vision and usually judges by outward signs", is a quote which pretty much sums it up. I say the wrong thing, make a bad first impression, get nervous and say something weird, someone takes something the wrong way, etc. So yeah, where I live I have a couple acquaintances, but I don't have any real friends... not that I'd know what the hell to do with one if I even have one. (Does it involve spoons? I have some of those...) I honestly believe that if everyone in general was a better person, I most likely wouldn't even have this problem, actually it wouldn't even be considered a problem. So I don't believe that all the responsibility is on my shoulders. So when someone tells me I have to work on my social skills so I can function in society, to me that's like saying, you need to learn how to get along with a world full of total assholes so you can fit in and be a number. I'd rather just spend my time trying to meet the very few people who aren't dip shits. But I've noticed most good people hang out with the worst people. Why!? I don't get it. From what I know about the short comings of social behavior in most people, most readers will look at the above and think of me as someone who likes to be a victim and not want to know me... or think harshly of me and judge. If you're one of these people, the problem isn't me, its asshole like you. I personally know that many people who have socially suffered most of their life, have turned out to be moral, sensitive, loving human beings. Unfortunately, there's a lot of douche bags who look at them and think of them as weak and its the opposite. They'll never truly understand what it means to be a good person and how rewarding it feels, especially when it allows you to achieve a deep connection with someone. Someone said I should add what makes me happy. Hmmm well, a lover sitting in my lap or laying against me, hugging me is probably the number one thing that makes me happy. My cat Angel makes me happy, I love photography, and I really enjoy meeting and learning about people I have a lot in common with.  Personality: I've been told I'm empathetic, friendly, open minded, pure, funny, knowledgeable, mechanically inclined, and naive, but in other ways also very wise, opinionated, on guard, reclusive, careful, smart, and a raging pervert (in a good way I promise!).  Hey, at least I can be honest about my self. Can you say the same? I've always had sort of a dark personality, then in my 20's started wearing more and more black, then after a while started wearing more colors in my early 30's. I was always mature and sensitive, and stayed out of trouble as a kid, which made me a target for just about every asshole I ever walked past. So I was horribly tortured from elementary to the end of high school. Fast forward about 10 years and I suffer from social anxiety and have a lot of trouble meeting people locally, and douche bags still seem to pick me out of a crowd. Don't get me wrong! I'm a nice guy... friendly and really listen to what people say, I just get nervous around people I want to know and get judged harshly by most people... and its usually the people you think are the nicest. As I get older I'm trusting fewer people and thinking more and more often about a new acquaintance's character and their motives. What's Going On With Me: Right now I'm just trying to work to get from A to B. I plan on finishing up college as soon as I figure out just what the hell I want to do with my life. I just got a 2000 Chrysler Cirrus with a 16 valve DOHC engine with about 160 horses. Its actually not a bad car I got it free. :D Hobbies: I love computers, the hardware that is. Modding, building, customizing, shopping for new parts and drooling over the newest stuff. It's a lot of fun. :D My current system is a monster. Antec Twelve Hundred Black Steel ATX Full Tower Computer Case (5x 120mm & 1x 200mm Fans), housing AMD Phenom II Black Edition Deneb 3.0 GHz Quad-Core Processor, mounted to a Gigabyte GA-MA790GP-DS4H with extra larger durable caps, cooled by a Xigmatek Dark Knight CPU Cooler. The ram is OZC Reaper HPC 4GB (2x2GB) High Speed ram with heat sinks. I also have a 120x38mm Delta FFB1212EHE 190.00 CFM Fan (think leaf blower) blowing on a HIS 4870 X2 2GB 1080p Video Card. Its all powered by a 1000 watt Corsair Power Supply. I'm in the process of locating a couple more hard drives that I'll use in a Raid 0 setup for gaming. I also have two currently unused Raptor hard drives I think I'm going to use for a dual OS configuration.  Likes: Women with accents! RAWR!Anyone who takes the risk to get to know me... Girls with loud hair colors, especially bright crimson red! When a girl with long hair is always doing something with her hair. Bump or something else if she's wearing it down, wearing it up, pony tail. Rawr Randomness! Zombies! Hugging! Being With Friends!(If I had any) Emilie Autumn... she's an immature self involved bitch who hates ALL men, but I love her for her talent anyway. lol Fuzzy Spiders! Anyone who isn't afraid to express or be them self, is honest, and can talk about anything. Anyone fun and outgoing, warm, friendly, and understanding. Anyone good, honest, trustworthy, and loyal. I also enjoy hating haters. It's okay to hate people who hate for stupid reasons, but its wrong to hate a hater hater. Besides that would make you a hater hater hater.... and that just wouldn't make any sense would it?  Dislikes: IMMATURITY!!!FANBOYS!!! COPS!! Pigs with Power. Bullies with Badges.  Assholes, bullies, dicks, violent people with anger issues, drama, ignorance, racism, melodrama, bullshit, stuck ups, self-involved douche bags, back stabbers, corruption, gossiping, back stabbing, sluts, casual sex, drunks, pot heads, people who act stupid and helpless, etc. Just the normal stuff I guess... Anyone who judges or assumes things, especially by appearances or on first impressions. People who use or mistreat others. Women who wear those pregnancy looking baby doll outfits. My gawd, who ever invented that shit better hope I never run into them. Women who think it's my job to make the first move. You're not helpless, you can do it half the time. Men who act like a nice guy to get between the legs of what ever girl he's talking to. They give the real nice guys like me a bad rep. Women who wear a LOT of eyeshadow, especially the intencely colored eyeshadows... unless they're really artistic or tasteful with it, then it looks good. There are so many women who do it wrong and end up looking trashy, and that look seems to be developing into an advertising fad lately. LOL Everyone I know will probably back me up on this, so I'm not alone! (I ADORE black eye liner though!) I don't hate people who are visualy boring... but I choose not to be around them, cause they honestly bore the hell out of me. I'm talking about people who look and dress very vanilla or dumpy with no expression of style, women who go with the "natural" look (yuck!) or just don't do much with themselves, and people who like the color beige way too much! I've always been a very visual person (which is probably why I like photography so much!). So the way someone looks and presents them self does have a degree of importance to me. I'm definately NOT shallow and its not like I expect anyone to put on a fashion show or anything... but there are just so many people who don't try to look good or just don't put any effort into the way they look. I'm not the type of person who spends an hour in front of the mirror, but I won't go out with messy hair and old clothes. Me personally, I'm fond of goth, alternative, and industrial people.... and it irritates me when someone ONLY expresses that part of them self when they go clubbing at night, but in that case its usually just a fasion show and they're not really part of that subculture. I wish more people would express themselves 24/7.... its like all the subculture dies during the day and only comes out at night in the clubs. I never see anyone like that in stores, coffee shops, driving to work, working anywhere, etc. I HATE walking into any store or restaurant, and noticing 90% of the people in there are chubby, badly out of shape, grossly overweight, or just obese... That is another thing that really irritates me. This problem is really getting out of control in the US, especially where I live. Did you know that as of this year, the standard seat belt size used by US car manufacturers does not fit nearly 75% of Americans!? They actually had to lengthen the belts! Really... how hard is it not to eat fast food, use the stairs instead of the elevator, go for a run a few times a week, walk around the park, lift some weights, walk the dog, eat healthier foods, eat less, actually sit down in the morning and eat so your metabolism isn't fucked for the rest of the day then eat a small dinner and not stuff your face before you go to bed! The answer? Its not... people are just getting more and more lazier with their thoughts, attitude, and lifestyle and more obsessed with doing everything as fast as they can every year in this country, and it really needs to stop. I feel really guilty when I have to say no to girl who has just asked me out, because she's chubby or larger. (I don't feel bad if she's hot but stupid, it makes my day.) I understand that she's a person with feelings and that personality is very important, but it�s 50/50 for me� and that�s the way it should be. You have to have a decent amount of both to get anywhere with me. I don't think I'm shallow, in fact I think its healthy to be attracted to someone who is superior in physical and mental attributes... compared to someone who is either lazy, out of shape, or unintelligent. It�s called Darwinism. If a girl looks like she hasn't gotten exercise is in the past 10 years, I won't be interested in her in the least. I think anyone who says personality is more important that looks is deluding themselves, or is just trying to make them self feel better for one reason or another Yeah, a lot of people have medical problems that cause weight issues. Well, a lot of those problems are CAUSED by being unhealthy in the first place. If more people actually took care of themselves, we wouldn't have so many unhealthy overweight children guzzeling down cola, because they'd have better role models. Someone told me she walked into a McDonald's, and there was this grossly obese person in an electronic wheelchair stuffing their face with several burgers. She was so disgusted she left. Why would someone do that to them self!? Beliefs: First off, I believe that life is a gift and those who take it or disrespect it, do not deserve to keep the gift of life that's been given to them. Its not about revenge, its about justice and punishment. I only believe in an eye for an eye, when it comes to the taking and abuse of life. Religion: I have an odd relationship with what ever one might call "god". In one way I'm athiest, and proud to be one... but not in the typical way most people are athiest. First of all I DO NOT AND WILL NOT worship any god or mortal, EVER. I'm very against worshiping. To raise anything up to that kind of standard is just asking for trouble. I'm also very against magical thinking because I believe it spreads ignorance and puts people out of touch with reality, especially when dogma is involved. However, I do believe in science and I do think that possibly there are greater forces that we may not yet be able to comprehend or understand, so I don't believe in the classic existance of a "god". I think if there was a god, it would probably frown at people who worship it. It would want to see us learn and grow and become something great it could be proud of, not waste our time on outdated ways of thinking, worshiping him/her, and fighting over differences in our religions. Of course you can believe what you want to believe, but please respect how I feel and don't talk religiously around me or try to convert me. YOU WILL piss me off if you tell me you feel sorry for me because I don't believe what you do. I hate people who do that. In my opinion, most religions boil down to "Invisible magical being(s) run(s) the world, and need mortals to worship them" I think any belief that worships any kind god or mortal or immortal is just completely ridiculous, and we should have evolved beyond that type of very limited uneducated scope of thinking by now. On the topic of religion, there's something else I feel very strong about. I believe that the mind of a child is blank slate, and the environment they are raised in has a very large impact on how they learn to think. If someone has been raised on religion, then that's the way they've learned to think since birth. So yes, I believe it is moraly wrong to raise a child on religion. Why? Because it's controlling the way a blank mind learns how to think before they're old enough to devolope free will in the way they want to choose to think, after being properly educated. In other words, its a form of brain washing. I don't think most people mean to do it, but still they do it to their children. I think if you raised a child simply on knowlege and morals, without any religion, then exposed them to the history and all the different types of religion and what it really means, they'd choose not to worship a god. Why? Because they've learned to think using common sense, and the concept of a magical all powerful being sounds completely rediculous. This belief I feel is a very powerful threat to the church. Why do you think the church has burned millions of books since its creation? This is WHY parents and churches try so hard to introduce religion at an early age, because its easier to convert someone who is totally innocent and naive. And I believe this practice is EVIL and DISPICABLE, and I wish the world was evolved enough to make laws against such things. And that overwhelming sense of love and meaning people claim they gain through religion... you don't need religion to find that. Its already inside you. Most people are just too ignorant and out of touch with their heart to figure that out, and in the process they become a brainwashed religious tool who doesn't know any other way to think other than how they've been taught to think... a number. Take me for instance. I'm not religious, yet beneith the rough edges of my personality, I'm actually a very caring, loyal, passionate person with a very large capacity to love. I care for all forms of life, and when I see anyone or anything suffering or hurting, it deeply effects me. I desperately wish to share that part of my self with people, especially a lover, but everyone I meet would rather judge, hate, hurt, backstab, gossip, and do and say thoughtless things, or they're just too busy thinking about themself and their own problems to give a shit about anyone else. And guess what... most of those people ARE RELIGIOUS! Hmmmm interesting...  I've always believed I'm inharently a good person, compared to most people. And I think the fact that anyone who has ever hurt me has been ripped a new one by karma, is proof enough of that. Everyone who has ever hurt me or my family, has been seriously fucked by either natural occurances or the results of their own doing. Because of that, I believe in karma... but I don't really know what it is. All I know is I try very hard not to tempt it to come looking for me. So I never start anything with anyone, go looking for trouble, or intentionally hurt anyone. If there is trouble, I try to slip away. Besides, I never grew up in areas where learning to fight was much of a priority. I've never raised a fist to anyone, and don't plan to.... well, you know unless my life is in danger or someone else's I care about. Political/Current Events: As for political, I'm somewhere between liberal and democratic, though from what I've seen the democratic process doesn't work because citizens don't take advantage of it and even a democratic government is prone to many different forms of corruption and greed. People who live in democratic nations often become lazy, and every other form of government I've read about has much worse flaws or is totaly corrupt. So I don't know of any other better suggestions... Trusting people in power is a very tricky subject because no one is incorruptable. I guess what I'm saying is that any form of government is directly as strong as the people are who created it and keep it alive. Humans are easily controlled, corrupted, or misled by others or by their own ambitions or greed. If you could absolutely trust in someone with total power, then something along the lines of a dictatorship would actually work.... but it doesn't because people are fundimentally flawed. Until we overcome these problems, we'll never stop fighing and government will never work. I don't like the way our government is run and the way our resources are being used. Political agendas seem to run the military and gawd only knows what the military is spending our money on. For a government that's supposed to be run by the people, we have almost no power at all. Why? Because we're all so offended by each others differences and there are so many religious tools, ignorent right wing nuts, and lazy slobs who don't get involved, no one can agree on anything and not enough people group together to demand change. If millions of people signed a petition, marched in the streets, or all protested in DC demanding they change something, they'd do it! We have that power, but we don't use it.... Corrupted greedy officials, corporates, the rich, left wing and right wing nut jobs, huge companies, and power hungry assholes have a foot hold in every part of our government and our economy. Terrorism, hate, violence, genocide, starvation, and disease are on the rise all over the world, and our plate is already full with the problems we have in our own country, but we're too busy hating and arguing about our differences. We're going to need some seriously smart bastards to fix all these problems within my lifetime. I believe in gay rights, a woman's right to choose, pro abortion, same sex marriages, all for stem cell research and stem cell cloning, racial equality, women's rights, etc. But what I don't put up with women who ask for equality, then want special treatment and try use their sex to get away with shit. I also hate it when blacks rant about how hard their race struggled for equality and complain about how they're oppressed by whites and the upper class, but then turn around an act like a racist fuck towards whites. THATS NOT HELPING YOUR CAUSE JACK ASS. I do not put up with hypocrits and people who try to use double standards. I also hate it when people try to distort a political issue with extremist black and white opinions and images, instead of sticking to the facts and also taking into account the grey areas. Religion also has NO place in polotics or polotical issues or practices. Whats going on with kids and teens these days really concerns me and I think its gotten to the point where the government needs to step in and impliment sex education programs that everyone under 18 is required to take, regardless of religion. Right now, teen pregnancy is at its highest rate in US history and AIDS is as bad as it is in Africa. There is just so much to this topic, too much to get into in here. But I'm less angry at the kids doing it than the parents raising them and the media for introducing sex to them starting at an early age, and glamorizing hollywood sluts when they get knocked up at an early age. Then of course there's the fact that drug use in teens is completely out of control, and parents are completely oblivious to it. I think abortion is incredibly important as a very very last resort, especially when people are not at a point in their life when a baby can be raised in a suitable environment or is something they even want. I fully support abortion as long as the pregnancy is caught early and the baby hasn't developed beyond a lump of cellular growth. When that cellular growth forms a working brain and nervous system, then yes its WRONG! See? Its not so black and white after all. There is a time when its okay to do it and when its not. Its not just right or wrong period. Middle ground... what a concept! Favorite Music: Emilie Autumn, Servo.Hatred, Nine Inch Nails, Birthday Massacre, Alice In Chains, The Police, Pearl Jam, Zombie Girl, CombiChrist, DE/VISION, VNV Nation, God Module, Velvet Revolver, Angel Spit, Marilyn Manson, Gorillaz, Boards of Canada, Poets of the Fall, The Pillows, HYDE, Shiny Toy Guns, Garbage, Puddle of Mudd... and tons more.I like pretty much anything except speed or death metal, or anything with too much screaming and random notes. Country music is my kryptonite, keep that crap away from me! Movies: I like action, sci-fi, thriller, suspense, mystery, and some anime, but only the good stuff. None of that mass produced anime crap. Television: I love anime... but its hard to find anything that isn't a rerun or just an old 90's show/movie, and I'm not wasting all my money on DVD's, they're a total rip off. I love watching online HD shows on my 40" Sony Bravia TV!! I'd like to find a low cost online service that allows me to watch anime, but I haven't see anything yet. Youtube has a few things, but overall they suck. Comcast on demand sucks for anime as well. They throw you in the middle of the episodes starting you at episode 105. wtf? I like the new Doctor Who, Survivors, and Being Human on BBC. Top Gear and Family guy are my favorites. I also like some of the shows on Scifi, like Stargate Universe and Sanctuary. I love the old episodes of SG1, the campiness is great, made the show more relocatable and casual. I don't get why people hated that about the show. (I wouldn't mind owning the entire season collection of SG1.) I almost never watch something WHEN its on, I DVR it and watch it when I feel like it. I'd rather play games around 8pm and later. I CAN'T STAND REALITY SHOWS!!! Mostly because I already know 90% of people are as stupid as they're portrayed in those shows and I don't need a reminder of it. Also the makers of those shows create those situations in a number of different ways, spanning from causing drama to purposely choosing personalities that will clash. These shows also cash in on how stupid and shallow people are, who are dumb enough to actually WANT to watch that mind numbing shit. Social Life: On the subject of my personal and social life, I'm a very socially reclusive person with horrible social anxiety, and only a few friends I'm just starting to get to know who I've only recently met. I'm fine when I'm on a job... but when meeting people in a social situation, I usually get VERY nervous and talk WAY too much, say all the wrong things, get too personal with people, say extreme things, and scare everyone away. I work on it... but its really hard. All I care about having is a few close friends and one lover. That's all I want. I don't care about being really popular. I don't want the drama or the lack of personal space, I like my me time!! And I HATE gossipers with a passion!! If I find out you're saying a bunch of shit and gossip about me, we WILL have a problem. I'd rather have a nice lunch with someone in a place where we can hear each other talk, than hang out in a smoke filled, tightly packed club with music so loud, you have to scream for someone else to hear you... but I am a member of one club, which there is a banner for below. Its the only place in town with my kind of people. I only go a few times a year and know only a few people from there, but none of us are best friends or anything. It would be nice if I could find some good friends there though.  You are visitor number
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