Status: ITred of the mind games.
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Latest Journal Entry: Midterms (halfway through hell) March 05, 2013, 10:27pm
See what I see!
I am in the process of figuring this thing called life. I thought I had my figured it out. If I strove to be the best and aimed to go higher to get out of this miserable place my dreams would come true. I learned your dreams are dreams and some are never meant to be reached.
I went to school, became a double business major. I have one class this fall and my internship in the spring, than my degrees with be complete. I planned to go for my masters degree in economics but have decided not to pursue a degree in business any further after this year. I love business do not get me wrong. I am in the process of building one myself, but I refuse to be the worker bee that is the shadow of someone who doesn't do the work and while you work endless someone else comes in, gets all the credit for your hard work. I have had enough of that in college. My four years of college I have observed and I have learned that if you work hard, do honest work, and hold to a moral, ethical code, you will not get anywhere. It is the ones who kiss ass, who don't do any work at all or very little of the work yet they get everything under the sun, while getting credit for your work they didn't do. If I wanted to do that I would work for some corporation, busting my ass off to make someone else money. I refuse to be one of those fools. I rather stick to my art and my own free style of work without the corporate bulshit.
I am autistic and paranoid schizophrenic. I don’t hide it because it's who I am. If you feel ashamed of that, it's your problem not mine and I feel sorry that you can’t see past the paradigm. I also am a moderate to severe dyslexia, who was told I would never graduate high school, let alone graduate college with two degrees. Those who know me, before my absence, knew that I have been physically sick a lot the past two years and the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong. I found out just before graduation, that I have lupus, fibromyalgia and an underactive thyroid. Now that i have my answers to the problem finally, it doesn’t mean they do not still take a toll on me. I am happy for some answers though.
I am asexual. I had identified for some time as a lesbian. Yes I dated women and like women. My relationships always end up in the same predicament withere I am in a relationship with a woman (or the occoassional guy), the relationship ended usually because of the lack of sexual and physical interest. People don’t understand you can fall in love with a person's soul and there is no need for a sexual relationship. Sadly this conscept is not well taken this day an time and in the end I am left broken hearted by someone who feel that love is only sexual. I am content single and really have no desire for a relationship, although I do think about a person who is like me. A person who values that you can love someone without any sexual or physical contact. A love truelly at a an intelectual, emotional and soul level not physical.
I am the nice girl who is always willing to help people. The girl who cares to much about people and wears her heart on her sleeve. I am the girl this world has over used and broken those treats in me. I am a nice girl turned to a bitch because I am fed up with how people will will exploit kindness and good qualities in a person, use them and twist them. No I am tired of being the nice girl and people can just deal with the bitchy side now.
Although I excel academically and artistically, struggle with verbal communication. Those who know me in person would say I am quite, in my head and eccentric. My art, my canvases, my portraits is a portal to the world I see. My writings do the same thing. I crochet and make tons of other craft items mostly because it's a therapeutic for me, I have recently begun selling them to close friends. I became an accidental advocate for those with the same and similar issues here in my town. I got fed up with the way the mental health system keeps treating us and everything has fallen into place since then.
I have majored in business, but my true passion is in traditional art, writing and world history. I love animals and nature. I prefer the company of animals or being in a library/museum to being around people. The animals and library are real, the people have masks on ready to stab you in the back and leave you bleeding, torn and picking up the pieces. I have been hurt and used too much by people that I don’t trust them at all. I love birds. I have two budgie parakeets name Sky and Mister and they mean the world to me.
My absence for a nearly four months was because of my own health issues and the fact my father nearly died the day after my college graduation. I have been taking care of both of my parents. College starts on the 26th of August and I do not want to go back but in order to get my degrees I need these two classes. I learned to not be so nice and so willing to do work for people. If people see that you are a hard worker, they will use it and exploit that till you snap. Last year the word Shadow was frequented to me, because I busted my ass off in student government, helping other students with tutoring, striving for the president list and honors, but all the while what the kiss ass reap the harvest without laying a finger on the work. I managed to get into PTK (Phi Theta Kappa) but in the long run I watched as those who didn’t work fly by and achieve everything.
I am not a shadow. I am a human being. I plan on saving up and moving out of Maine after I graduate. I plant to go to my Ashland, Kentucky with my parent and be near my sister Jammie. Maine is a cest pool of people who love to break each other down. I want to get way from this small town attitude and drama and be in a place where I can be free.
Will be updating soon .