DISSECTION:I want to get inside you, read you, rip your veins apart. Count the bruises within, and memorize every scar thats left its mark upon you. I need to push you away and then later slowly pull you back; just to see if you are willing to both loose and win. I want you to feel uncomfortable as i ask you what you're thinking at random; its the bewildered eyes that satisfy me. Quiet people i adore you; i will hiddenay observe you; while being anonymously eager to make you scream. Outgoing ones; i envy your sense of conformity, but i have every notion to sew your mouth shut to help you appreciate the silence you are too busy to ever hear. I like the way people are; but i like even more playing with their faults; messing with their fears; altering their mind frame so much, that they can be comfortable in any skin, not just their own.
ANATOMY:I wish i knew what it meant to be me. The more i think about it, the greater my headache burns. With my inner complexity, I suppose you can describe me as a ball of rubber bands. Twisted; tangled. All my thoughts are intertwined with every part of me. I don't have a solid core. I'm filled with gaps and holes throughout the coarse of my body. "I feel like a perpetual smudge. My lines all curve. I tend to connect the wrong dots." I believe there is something more extraordinary out there; maybe there is not a word for it, but i will find it. I dont believe in love anymore not because only i think its fake its just a word for an emotion. the real love is only in movies and fairy tales. And to meet someone to prove me wrong thats when i will think different.
SURGERY:If you and I happen to lock eyes as we walk about on this earth's crust; I promise you, you mean something to me. I see you wrapped in your individual linen; I just want you to know, you look like the sun. You are bright and I pray that you would follow me forever. If not, I wonâ??t hesitate to follow you. When I people observe; literally daily, I cant help but yearn for the passerbies. If I could, I would gently wrap you in my hands and place you safely in my pocket. You will be mine and I will be yours. Attached at the hip, only separated by a thin piece of cloth. Youâ??ll understand me as I will understand you. For we know nothing of each other to judge. I hope you wont flee; run from me. I must admit, unfamiliar confrontation; engaging in nervous conversation; unfamiliar attraction; scares me, but I assure you, we will make the best of our time. I like the ghost in your voice, hiding every bad event; decision; thought; in your past youâ??ve ever had. Cute. Your shadow looks perfect under you; it mimics your hips perfectly; whether they are curvy or straight; they are beautiful. You are beautiful. You have caught my attention. Now...I pray that i have yours. You take it from here.
MAIN:First words and first steps. Mine were behind closed doors... without credit. It's funny... the way that you can clean yourself up and still be treated as if you are soiled. Right now, I'm the straight line that some keep trying to smudge. Everything to them comes down to the decimal point. My change is just something between the cushions in their eyes. Sometimes I feel like the new haircut that goes unnoticed... the new shirt that gives you confidence yet only draws ridicule. Believe me when I say that I've tried to die. My curse is this word "forever" that is written all over me. My failure isn't in the passions that I have, but in my lack of control of them. I've been fighting demons alone and I'm ok with that. I have comebacks for miles. "You're not dead yet. That's just how you feel Its good to feel pain because it means your still alive." Excuses are just fireworks that never went off... and that never will again. Maybe all of this has only been the medicine talking. Or maybe it's just the only thing I have left in these fingers. It's all the same as the world spins and I find myself chasing consciousness. I'm somewhere deep inside all of this mess. Just promise to keep chiseling away. Forget the oxygen, pump forgiveness into the darkness.
FLATLINE:I will tell you now that i make my own decisions. wither good or bad we all make mistakes every day in life. I dont hold grudges anymore i think its a waste of time to be mad at someone all the time. im nice but dont take advantage of it or try and kiss my ass. Because i can turn it around and be a bitch. I'm not scene, gothic, emo or anything else you want to call me or to put in your little sterotypes. i am me i have my own style. Its called myself. Im tired of getting hurt by guys. I do not think there is a guy out there for me that will treat me right or some guy thats worth everything. im not saying all guys are horrible just alot of guys put a bad lable on themselves. I'm agnostic its just something that feels right for me and dont try to change the way i see things. I just dont want to sit and waste my life on something that might not even be nothing. then i do believe there is a higher power out there somewhere. we all dont even know. We are just based on some book something we need to believe in. alot of people are scared some people dont even know what they want in life. just as i see it alot of people are doing things that someone thinks would be right for them. the conflicts in the individuality shows that you cant be alone. me for myself i am alone i think and do what i think is right. i have morals in life. i dont need your substances to make me feel better and soak in loneliness. if you lie to me trust me i will fucking find out. regardless or not you get one chance with me.
INSANITY:For so long I have lived in world of unrelenting pain and everlasting hell. For awhile I have taken punishment, physical and mental, whatever it may be it has brought me to this point. I have shown compassion, but recieved none. I have wanted to be loved but have never been so fortunate. Lately now I have wanted to feel sorry for people but I can show no feelings toward them, for now i have no love, have no compassion, i am empty, i have no soul, no heart, I am hollow. most of the dark, dismal cloud of depression hung over my head. It has struck me with pressuring winds, raindrops of sorrow and lightning bolts of unforgiving hatred. For now the slightest insult, the slightest act of stupidity can send my blood boiling to the point where I loose control and for a moment forget who I am. For so long has this infectious and unhealthy frame of mind haunted me. Thoughts of painful history sliced through my mind and spirit like steel-edged dreams, slashing at every strand of sanity I have. I have lived in the unyielding world of suffering and For so long I have felt so alone.
DETRACTION:It's funny how very simple and intricate illusions can be. I don't ever want to know where the blades go, or how the assistant steps out unharmed. If the world came to an end, I'd rather stay blindfolded than open my eyes. Small amounts of "genuine" have dressed themselves in black and invaded the corners of my lips. Pulling them towards the stars and convincing them to spend the night. My stomach turns when you're near but only in the best directions. I'm faking everything, just to look like more of a loser because that's all I've ever known. These knuckles are bruised from fights that never happened except in my head. I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places, steel wool instead of silk. My greatest flaw is my obsession with feeling sorry for myself... no wait... my greatest flaw is my inherent need to document it. If you read between the lines, you'd realize I don't mean half of what I say, and everything that I don't. It's hard to be completely honest, when the world revolves around how well you can lie. I can manipulate people without realizing it, if only to get myself out of a jam. Bending (over) the truth has become a habit. I'm losing my sight from staring at keyboards in the dark, trying to be everything to everyone, and nothing to myself.
FORGIVNESS:My life of darkness, my living nightmare I know shall never end. It will haunt my every moment of everyday hoping to sooner or later send me over the edge. How will I be able to live a normal life with a monster of this caliber haunting every waking moment of every day, slashing through my strands of sanity that I hold so dear? I have released myself from deaths iron grip once before but I may not have the strength to accomplish that again. Will no one help me? I am as a junkie would be. Caught under the bridge of life, injecting the drug of happiness as often as I could get a hold of it, to feel that sensation for a brief moment. Only to have it vaish and feel as though it had never come, making me crave it more. At times I feel as thought death is the only way out and I accept it as my tickt to freedom even thought I fear it the most of all. Wanting what i fear is just more proof that this life of hatred, suffereing, depression and heartache has taken such a toll on my feeble body, my withered soul and my shattered heart. It has beaten me down into what I could now be classified as a broken heap of worthless nothing. I pray for the day when that light of guidance shines upon me and welcomes me with open arms to a world of friendship and love. But will I find that light? Will I be so fortunate? Will that day finally come? Only Time Will Tell.
In the beginning I was only planning on holding on to you and using you recreationally, but then I started needing you at nights and then all of the time. The not remembering is what gets to me the worst.
ESSENSE:It's ok to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. Taking ink in a massive dose and watching as blank pages turn black while my hand and head double team my heart. The inside of my head feels foggy like a London winter, but without all of the class and dignity. Nobody gets how my head feels when I lay sideways on the pillow. We are becoming who we are meant to be. We are becoming who we were. Time passes like bottles between thoughts. Letting myself just float.... to just feel ok. Being happy doesn't mean you are unauthentic. Breathing life is alright... in doses you know.
ISOLATED:Eyes locked on the curb and blades of grass that sneak between the cracks. Picking myself apart. The only life I feel is in my right hand, and that's weird, because its linked with yours. I've been letting my mind get the best of us all, friends included, and it can be such a weapon of destruction. I wake up, in guilt.
Illuminate this bed and make this feel epic. Let's become a disaster and a masterpiece rolled into one. Carefully chiseled rough edges are all I am made of.
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